Warning: main(header.php) [function.main]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/felix6/public_html/lbc/labels/RL.php on line 1
Warning: main(header.php) [function.main]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/felix6/public_html/lbc/labels/RL.php on line 1
Warning: main(header.php) [function.main]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/felix6/public_html/lbc/labels/RL.php on line 1
Warning: main() [function.include]: Failed opening 'header.php' for inclusion (include_path='.:/usr/lib/php:/usr/local/lib/php') in /home/felix6/public_html/lbc/labels/RL.php on line 1
Blog
A journal I keep mainly for myself, as opposed to my LiveJournal, which is for sharing and communicating with friends.
[Wednesday, October 29, 2008] Things I Need to Do...
Play Scrabble, often Go to all my classes Gym, gym, gym Update my blog Post my braces story Clean my bedroom Eat at BJ's at least once a month, don't eat out otherwise Catch up on homework Find a job Save money Pay off debt Get to level 40 on Maple Story Try not to think about Erek
[Wednesday, July 30, 2008] Slumming in Paradise?
I'm back in California and I can't sleep. I do sleep at night, but it's only for about two or three hours at a time, and when I wake up I can never go back to bed. I think I feel restless... When I was in Japan, there was never enough time to do anything. Now I have so much free time on my hands--no money to go out, so I just sit at home all day, eating.
Everyday I wish I could go to the Waseda gym, haha, because now I have all this free time to work out! Today we had a cardio-kickboxing lesson with Aaron's mom. It felt really good to be active again, and I can definitely tell that my body is a lot stronger than before I went to Japan because I had much more energy and even at the end felt like I could keep going.
My hand is getting better... I'm trying to be good about changing my bandages. All I have to do is look at the burns and the fear of it leaving scars is enough to motivate me to clean and rebandage the wounds. It really itches but I'm afraid to scratch it so I just 我慢.
I've spent so much time telling other people, "No matter where you are, live your life as happily as you can." I know that I shouldn't long for the day when I can come back to Japan again, I should just work my hardest to live a fulfilling happy life and enjoy every single day. So when I go back to America, yes, I will be sad. Yes, I will miss Erek. Yes, I will have to go through a lot of hardships.
But the weather will be gorgeous. I'll be in the best shape of my life. I'll be getting a quality education again. My boobs look great. There won't be so many temptations to whip out that credit card. I'll have braces--and someday straight teeth! And I'll get to cook what I want, when I want, and for the many people that I love.
I've been feeling kind of down lately, not only because I have to leave Tokyo soon... but also because there was someone I had feelings for and it didn't really work out. Although I wasn't rejected (didn't even get that far), I don't think I was able to make the kind of friendship with him that I wanted, the kind where we would stay friends and I could be sure he wouldn't disappear from my life.
He was always busy... so busy. And if a person is too busy to spend time with you when you're in the same city, then how will he have the time for you when you're in a different state?
My friends tell me that it's his loss not mine, and I try to have the self-confidence to see it that way, but it just sucks. He's the first guy I've ever met to embody the many qualities I love in a guy--intelligent, knowledgeable (which is a completely different thing from intelligent), speaks with authority, wears glasses (Prada, omg), nerdy, plays video games, explains things clearly, has scruffy unshaven days, sense of humor, amazing eyes, casual but knows how to dress up when the occasion calls for it, nice voice, has read Dune, likes the outdoors!!, snowboards etc., tall, perfect body (broad shouldered but not bulky, lean but not thin), and absolutely gorgeous. And, unfortunately, he had zero interest in me. I wonder if things would have been different if I hadn't been so damn scared earlier in the semester to get to know him. It wasn't until my last month in Japan that I actually had the courage to do anything, way too late, of course. It can't be helped, though... there's no proof that if I had tried sooner that he would be the least bit inclined toward me anyway.
But I think this may just haunt me forever because I will probably never meet another person quite like him.
[Tuesday, July 15, 2008] The First Half of 2008 in Review... If I could do things differently this past semester, I would.
For one, I would have been more majime of a student: the last month that I have been seriously attending classes, studying in cafes, and doing my homework has felt REALLY good. I actually enjoy being a good student and wish that I had stuck to it more this semester.
I would have chosen some different classes. Poetry really was a huge waste for me as I sat around talking every day in class and didn't learn anything. The only thing I learned in that class is that I don't enjoy Japanese poetry; sorry, Japan -- but I like enough other things about the country that I don't feel too bad disliking the poetry. As for International Law, though it's easy credits that will count for my major, the class was neither informative nor fulfilling. It seems like all my friends took Corporate Governance instead and actually learned something there. :/
I would have gotten to know Aaron II sooner. I really do like him a lot and lately I regret not befriending him earlier in the school year. And now that I wish we could have remain friends after Waseda, I just don't see that happening since I haven't forged a strong enough acquaintance with Aaron II for it to matter to him whether or not we keep in touch. And I keep wondering that if I had gotten over my shyness and befriended him sooner, could it have developed into something more between the two of us? Maybe then my admiration wouldn't be all one-sided...
I would have spent more time at home with my host family. I rarely eat at home anymore and I used to spend half the week sleeping over at Erek's place, so for a while I was pretty absent from home. :(
There are, of course, things that I am really proud of.
I've gone to the gym fairly consistently. My body is in the best shape it's ever been, I walk a lot more (even in heels!) than I did in the past, and I have muscles in places I never did before -- hello, sleek biceps and kinda toned abs! <3
I joined Tokyo Hanabi, the Waseda yosakoi dance team, which is without doubt one of the coolest things I've EVER done. It looks so badass, I get to wear an awesome costume, and I lost a ton of weight while dancing. I also learned that dance somehow manages to surpass all language barriers because I made it through the circle alive!
I spent a lot of time with my best friend Erek. While I did sacrifice family time to chill with Erek, I'll always look fondly on all the good times we've had together. He has been a really important figure in my life this past year and means a lot to me. :)
I started playing 機動戦士ガンダムSEED DESTINY 連合 VS. Z.A.F.T.II which has been super fun. I hope that when I get back to America, I can find a place to play it there!
[Sunday, March 23, 2008] Cryptic Message of the Day
There are so many things going on right now in my life, and a lot of the issues revolve around one person. I think that something is happening to me, and I can't talk about it. I don't want to call this feeling love.
There is someone whom I wish I could just give up; I honestly believe I'd have more peace of mind if I never had to see him again. But I see this person almost daily, and it tortures me.
Only four more months to go until I must leave Japan, though, so I suppose that after that time I really will never see him again... I'm not sure whether to feel sad or relieved about it.
[Friday, January 11, 2008] "Thoughtful, Not Depressed" or "The Demise of a Friendship"
I'm rather thoughtful right now about a number of serious things that have happened to me in a relatively short amount of time. I don't feel that I am depressed by these things because I have experienced depression since arriving in Japan, and this feels quite different from that time.
Basically, one of my really important friendships somehow fell apart suddenly, and I keep thinking of all the ways that it might have been able to stay together. The most blaring factor in our demise seems to be a lack of communication about the problems we were having. I don't want to blame it on him, but at the same time... We got into a huge fight and over the course of the argument, he dumped a lot of surprising complaints on me that he had in regards to my actions.
I was quite shocked by a lot of things he said because the problems were things that apparently had occurred repeatedly over the course of our friendship, problems that could have been prevented had he spoken to me the first time they came up. Or even the second time. Instead, he didn't say anything, and I made the same mistakes over and over... and his anger towards me bottled up. I guess this explains why we've seemed to be doing okay some days before he would suddenly blow up on me for no reason: There have been times when I've thought things were going just fine between us and then he would turn rude or scathing with no explanation.
[Wednesday, October 24, 2007] I Am the Keeper of Secrets
I haven't done much blogging since I got to Japan, and by not much I mean not at all. Something happened yesterday, though, that left an impression on me and I want to log it here for posterity's sake.
I was webcamming with Brad, one of my mates in the CSU IP, and confessed that I don't want to be a subject for gossip. Brad assured me that I am not and then added that the only thing he's heard is that I'm the person "to go to when you want to know what's going on." Because apparently I know everything about everyone. It's weird but kind of awesome that other people consider me "in the know." I think it just means that I'm nosy.
But to add to this, I was speaking to Davida today and she mentioned that she can talk to me about things that she can't tell other people. A lot of people that I respect and get along with have been telling me things prefaced by, "Hey, don't tell anyone" or "I know you won't tell anyone, so..."
I am a keeper of secrets. It's a pretty cool feeling.
I don't handle death particularly well. I cried a lot at the memorial service; there were a lot of great stories about Hayashi-sensei's life. I was glad that I was able to understand most of the speakers, even though they were in Japanese.
Kitagawa-sensei asked us to share some of our memories during the reception about sensei to her family (mother, aunt, and sister), who had flown in from Japan, but we had to do it in Japanese because they didn't speak any English.
I always wonder how it is for parents to survive their children. At any age. I hope I never have to find out.
Hayashi-sensei was only forty-nine years old and her passing was a shock to everybody. According to what I heard from someone at the memorial, she sent out an e-mail saying that she wasn't feeling well and would have to miss a Monday meeting. Kataoka-sensei stopped by her apartment when she couldn't reach her after the meeting and found sensei there in bed. (;_;) I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be that person, particularly when it's one of your dearest friends.
During the reception, one of my classmates took a poll - was Hayashi-sensei a strict teacher? We decided that, yes, she was strict but she was also nice. The way I see it is that she challenged us. Without those high expectations, I know that I wouldn't have tried half so hard in her class or learned nearly as much.
As we left the memorial, there was a table laid out by the exit of the garden with photos and little touches of all the special things in sensei's life. They had draped the shawl she always wore to class over the largest photo and placed the sandals she always wore beside that. When I saw those shoes and thought of how she would never wear them again, I think that was the worst part of everything.
I don't know how many times I casually glanced at her sandals in class, but I know that I'll never have that opportunity again. She was a wonderful teacher, and I'll never forget her.
Okay, and now I'm pissed because Dave treated me like I'm a basket case who needs to get over it, rather than someone who just came from a memorial service.
[Thursday, June 21, 2007] Too Much Drama!
Why are my friends all wrapped up in it? I like being privy to all the little details of what's going on with our inner circle because I'm nosy and play the Sims 2 way too much (micro management FTW!) But now that our friendship has descended into a self-perpetuating cycle of drama, suspicion, and jealousy, being privy has led to an angst overload on my part.
*backs away slowly*
In other news, I told Dave that I feel jealous with the way that everyone acts like he belongs to them now after Fanime, and how I feel crowded out - particularly since we've been friends since last winter while they deigned to become friendly with him a month ago. O_O In turn, he confirmed my lurking suspicion that when we met he had a crush on me.
Would it be childish of me to raise my fists into the air in victory and declare, "FIRST!!!"
Warning: main(footer.php) [function.main]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/felix6/public_html/lbc/labels/RL.php on line 741
Warning: main(footer.php) [function.main]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/felix6/public_html/lbc/labels/RL.php on line 741
Warning: main(footer.php) [function.main]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/felix6/public_html/lbc/labels/RL.php on line 741
Warning: main() [function.include]: Failed opening 'footer.php' for inclusion (include_path='.:/usr/lib/php:/usr/local/lib/php') in /home/felix6/public_html/lbc/labels/RL.php on line 741
