Warning: main(header.php) [function.main]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/felix6/public_html/lbc/labels/5pel5pys.php on line 1
Warning: main(header.php) [function.main]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/felix6/public_html/lbc/labels/5pel5pys.php on line 1
Warning: main(header.php) [function.main]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/felix6/public_html/lbc/labels/5pel5pys.php on line 1
Warning: main() [function.include]: Failed opening 'header.php' for inclusion (include_path='.:/usr/lib/php:/usr/local/lib/php') in /home/felix6/public_html/lbc/labels/5pel5pys.php on line 1
Blog
A journal I keep mainly for myself, as opposed to my LiveJournal, which is for sharing and communicating with friends.
[Tuesday, July 22, 2008] why be sad?
Why be sad?
I've spent so much time telling other people, "No matter where you are, live your life as happily as you can." I know that I shouldn't long for the day when I can come back to Japan again, I should just work my hardest to live a fulfilling happy life and enjoy every single day. So when I go back to America, yes, I will be sad. Yes, I will miss Erek. Yes, I will have to go through a lot of hardships.
But the weather will be gorgeous. I'll be in the best shape of my life. I'll be getting a quality education again. My boobs look great. There won't be so many temptations to whip out that credit card. I'll have braces--and someday straight teeth! And I'll get to cook what I want, when I want, and for the many people that I love.
I've been feeling kind of down lately, not only because I have to leave Tokyo soon... but also because there was someone I had feelings for and it didn't really work out. Although I wasn't rejected (didn't even get that far), I don't think I was able to make the kind of friendship with him that I wanted, the kind where we would stay friends and I could be sure he wouldn't disappear from my life.
He was always busy... so busy. And if a person is too busy to spend time with you when you're in the same city, then how will he have the time for you when you're in a different state?
My friends tell me that it's his loss not mine, and I try to have the self-confidence to see it that way, but it just sucks. He's the first guy I've ever met to embody the many qualities I love in a guy--intelligent, knowledgeable (which is a completely different thing from intelligent), speaks with authority, wears glasses (Prada, omg), nerdy, plays video games, explains things clearly, has scruffy unshaven days, sense of humor, amazing eyes, casual but knows how to dress up when the occasion calls for it, nice voice, has read Dune, likes the outdoors!!, snowboards etc., tall, perfect body (broad shouldered but not bulky, lean but not thin), and absolutely gorgeous. And, unfortunately, he had zero interest in me. I wonder if things would have been different if I hadn't been so damn scared earlier in the semester to get to know him. It wasn't until my last month in Japan that I actually had the courage to do anything, way too late, of course. It can't be helped, though... there's no proof that if I had tried sooner that he would be the least bit inclined toward me anyway.
But I think this may just haunt me forever because I will probably never meet another person quite like him.
[Tuesday, July 15, 2008] The First Half of 2008 in Review... If I could do things differently this past semester, I would.
For one, I would have been more majime of a student: the last month that I have been seriously attending classes, studying in cafes, and doing my homework has felt REALLY good. I actually enjoy being a good student and wish that I had stuck to it more this semester.
I would have chosen some different classes. Poetry really was a huge waste for me as I sat around talking every day in class and didn't learn anything. The only thing I learned in that class is that I don't enjoy Japanese poetry; sorry, Japan -- but I like enough other things about the country that I don't feel too bad disliking the poetry. As for International Law, though it's easy credits that will count for my major, the class was neither informative nor fulfilling. It seems like all my friends took Corporate Governance instead and actually learned something there. :/
I would have gotten to know Aaron II sooner. I really do like him a lot and lately I regret not befriending him earlier in the school year. And now that I wish we could have remain friends after Waseda, I just don't see that happening since I haven't forged a strong enough acquaintance with Aaron II for it to matter to him whether or not we keep in touch. And I keep wondering that if I had gotten over my shyness and befriended him sooner, could it have developed into something more between the two of us? Maybe then my admiration wouldn't be all one-sided...
I would have spent more time at home with my host family. I rarely eat at home anymore and I used to spend half the week sleeping over at Erek's place, so for a while I was pretty absent from home. :(
There are, of course, things that I am really proud of.
I've gone to the gym fairly consistently. My body is in the best shape it's ever been, I walk a lot more (even in heels!) than I did in the past, and I have muscles in places I never did before -- hello, sleek biceps and kinda toned abs! <3
I joined Tokyo Hanabi, the Waseda yosakoi dance team, which is without doubt one of the coolest things I've EVER done. It looks so badass, I get to wear an awesome costume, and I lost a ton of weight while dancing. I also learned that dance somehow manages to surpass all language barriers because I made it through the circle alive!
I spent a lot of time with my best friend Erek. While I did sacrifice family time to chill with Erek, I'll always look fondly on all the good times we've had together. He has been a really important figure in my life this past year and means a lot to me. :)
I started playing 機動戦士ガンダムSEED DESTINY 連合 VS. Z.A.F.T.II which has been super fun. I hope that when I get back to America, I can find a place to play it there!
[Saturday, July 12, 2008] Aaron II
Two things of mention 1) two months ago, pursuing Glasses guy seemed absolutely impossible: we never see each other outside of class and we barely talk even in class, not to mention that I was getting zero interest vibes from his side 2) even if I did pursue him, I wasn't sure how things would work out in regards to my existing relationship: would Glasses guy even be interested in someone in an open relationship? What would happen when I went back to America? Etc., etc., etc.
So I gave up on Glasses guy in my econ class because of the two above factors (apparent lack of interest on his part/ opportunities to interact with him on my side; concerns about the logistics if I was successful in pursuing him). And I let the whole thing just slide for a month or two, and then... I don't know what happened. Maybe it was a sense of urgency brought on by the approaching end of the school year. Maybe it was the problems I've been having in my relationship with Aaron. Maybe it was just that I couldn't stand being around him anymore as just another classmate. The point is... I gave in and decided to try and see if I could get anything out of pursuing him -- even though time is against me (actually, everything seems to be going against me).
I admitted to a mutual friend that I really like Glasses guy (who will henceforth be known as Aaron II, courtesy of Erek) a lot. She encouraged me to go for it, and since then I've been trying to make a move on him. My relationship with Aaron B. has pretty much just fallen apart (but that's a story for another time). And I don't care anymore about what problems the future may hold. I figured that if I could at least tell A-II about the way that I feel, I would be satisfied. Realistically speaking, I know there is a 0% chance of him reciprocating my feelings just because we have had no interaction prior to this, which means there's no foundation for him to have feelings on. But I thought that if I could at least get to know him a little better, once I did tell him I like him then at least he would see me as an interesting, intelligent girl (maybe even find me cute?) and be willing to go on a date or something.
Once I decided to make my move, there were all sorts of problems, of course. First, I was felt really shy so when I tried to talk to him after class, I couldn't be brilliant or witty --
[Sunday, March 23, 2008] Cryptic Message of the Day
There are so many things going on right now in my life, and a lot of the issues revolve around one person. I think that something is happening to me, and I can't talk about it. I don't want to call this feeling love.
There is someone whom I wish I could just give up; I honestly believe I'd have more peace of mind if I never had to see him again. But I see this person almost daily, and it tortures me.
Only four more months to go until I must leave Japan, though, so I suppose that after that time I really will never see him again... I'm not sure whether to feel sad or relieved about it.
[Friday, January 11, 2008] "Thoughtful, Not Depressed" or "The Demise of a Friendship"
I'm rather thoughtful right now about a number of serious things that have happened to me in a relatively short amount of time. I don't feel that I am depressed by these things because I have experienced depression since arriving in Japan, and this feels quite different from that time.
Basically, one of my really important friendships somehow fell apart suddenly, and I keep thinking of all the ways that it might have been able to stay together. The most blaring factor in our demise seems to be a lack of communication about the problems we were having. I don't want to blame it on him, but at the same time... We got into a huge fight and over the course of the argument, he dumped a lot of surprising complaints on me that he had in regards to my actions.
I was quite shocked by a lot of things he said because the problems were things that apparently had occurred repeatedly over the course of our friendship, problems that could have been prevented had he spoken to me the first time they came up. Or even the second time. Instead, he didn't say anything, and I made the same mistakes over and over... and his anger towards me bottled up. I guess this explains why we've seemed to be doing okay some days before he would suddenly blow up on me for no reason: There have been times when I've thought things were going just fine between us and then he would turn rude or scathing with no explanation.
Warning: main(footer.php) [function.main]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/felix6/public_html/lbc/labels/5pel5pys.php on line 629
Warning: main(footer.php) [function.main]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/felix6/public_html/lbc/labels/5pel5pys.php on line 629
Warning: main(footer.php) [function.main]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/felix6/public_html/lbc/labels/5pel5pys.php on line 629
Warning: main() [function.include]: Failed opening 'footer.php' for inclusion (include_path='.:/usr/lib/php:/usr/local/lib/php') in /home/felix6/public_html/lbc/labels/5pel5pys.php on line 629